Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess
of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked!
Piss off!
What sounds on Earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included -
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head,
but... you pay the taxes.
CHEERING
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Eh!
Make poverty history. Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!
CHUCKLES
Scatter! Party!
(Mandy) 'One minute you're hanging out on street corners, shortest skirt,
'glossiest lips, hoping boys will notice, never mind talk.
'Next minute, you're stuck in watching your mates go on
'about their fucked-up love lives and Jeremy Kyle,
'trying to come to terms with the fact
'that you've got priorities and stretch marks.
'Single parents, the bane of society, so they say. Root of all evil.
'Back then, a bottle of cider and a bag of chips and I was anybody's.
'No such thing as dating.'
- Does my arse look big in this? - Huge.
Does my arse look big in this?
What arse?
That one's mine.
Dad's gonna melt.
- Are you sure about having Katie? - Of course.
I don't wanna spoil your night.
How could she spoil my night?
30 years.
MUSIC: Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners
Oh, fuckin' hell! Mormons.
Brewery do, Frank. Gotta look my best. >
- Be good. - I will.
Don't wait up!
Karen, where do you want us?
Eh, Karen, customer complaints, please.
I don't want a todger dodger pulling my pint.
Seen it? Fingers like dildos. Equal rights for gender benders now, is it?
Have you washed your hands recently?
Oh!
REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING
Another complaint!
TURNS VOLUME DOWN
Too ethnic.
TURNS VOLUME UP
Fascist cunts.
CHEERING
Dex?
Hi.
You look gorgeous.
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
D'you know what this shite does to your lungs?
- Everything all right? - It's nowt to do with him.
- It's nowt I can't handle. - Chill out, Mam. Everyone's at it.
Not everyone's got a name like Karib.
Magistrates are gonna love you!
Worse things he could be doing, love.
At least he's keeping his head down.
- Who asked you, 'Iove'? - Ease off.
Best way with teens.
Pull on the reins, and they'll bolt. Fact.
Where did you get it?
Bit of weed! He's bound to dabble at some point.
- You'd know all about that! - Meaning?
If you've given him one crumb of that shite...
You'd better watch your gob, lady.
I don't supply kids.
Where did you get it from? Did you get it off of her?
Don't be stupid!
Can't decide.
I am starving.
All sounds gorgeous.
Is it just me, or is it quiet in here?
Like we should whisper!
Yeah!
I had a list of questions in my head.
In case we ran out of things to say?
Yeah.
Ask me something.
We haven't run out of things to say yet.
Anything.
All right.
How come you're single? A darling like you.
The early pit-bull catches the rabbit.
Shane! Twat.
- It was an accident. I'm sorry. - You're the accident.
Ever thought about running away?
Or getting a proper job? That'd be an idea.
< It's always the ones you love the most that get all the shit.
It's hard enough making it look equal with two.
What are you on about?
I don't know how you manage it with your tribe.
What does she mean, Mam?
All this! Insults, violence. You must be the favourite.
Yeah.
Shut the fuck up, gimp.
See? You've gotta cover it somehow. It's not fair on the others. Come on!
Enough's enough.
Give the lad a love.
Breathe a word and I'll break your neck.
Yeah.
- Shall we get another bottle? - Push the boat out.
Thanks, mate.
Two kinds of chips!
Yeah. It's bollocks, isn't it?
You can tell I've not been out in ages.
It's not easy when you've got a kid.
Yeah.
- So who's minding her? - Mum and Dad.
Don't have to talk about her, you know.
No, I want to.
Johnny's at my mam's.
- Who's Johnny? - My son.
Oh. What's he like?
Hard work. Like I said.
Used to think people who went on blind dates were desperate.
It's a bit different to a blind date, though.
When I saw your picture,
I was well up for it.
What picture?
Oh, shit.
(Jamie) 'Mandy's worked out he's not my mate. She's on the warpath.'
You'd better come home then.
'I'm just warning ya, that's all.'
I'm not taking all the shit. It was you and lan that did this.
I said, come home! Jamie?
- Good night? - Internet date.
- Why did you lie to me? - It was Jamie and lan's idea.
- You told me he was Jamie's mate! - We thought he was the best match.
Thought?
I'm having a limo party this Sunday >
if you're up for a good night, ladies.
He was dead keen. Loads were. You had like 20-odd hits.
Bit of PR to drum up business.
Desperate single parents. com? What did they put?
Lonely mother of one seeks unattached bore for nights in playing Scrabble?
Where's lan? He'll come. Limo party, Sunday.
- Is he boring? - You know what I mean.
Did you fancy him?
Irrelevant. Ritual humiliation's dealt with that.
Lillian?
- What did they put? - That you're great, up for a laugh.
Dex, this is Karen.
I'm sorry. Shouldn't have lied.
I'm glad you did. Really.
Ha ha! Got ya!
You dick! You want a drink?
You're always welcome here, if it gets too much at home.
Sorry about my mam. And thanks for sticking up for me.
Twice as good as the shit you've been getting.
- Yeah? - On me, love. Keep it schtum.
Vodkas, please.
- Seems dead keen. - Yeah, he's nice. I like him.
Let your hair down for once.
Upstairs is free.
- Go on. - Ladies first.
Sit down. >
Uh-huh. You're going nowhere.
- Again? - Yeah.
I need some water.
Can't handle your beer or can't handle me?
Dex?
Wake up!
Dex? Dex?
Dex?
Jesus Christ!
She's fast asleep.
30 years since our first date, you're still exactly the same.
Happy anniversary, babes.
GURGLING
No pulse.
What have you done?
- Nothing! - Did you shock him?
- When did that kill anyone? - What did you eat?
Steak.
- Peanuts? - No.
It must be summat. What's the last thing that he ate?
The E.
SIREN WAILS
You haven't?
I'm sorry. I honestly thought he'd swallowed his tongue.
He still owes us two canisters of Entonox from last time, the twat.
Dead to the world.
MUSIC: You Should Be Dancin' by the Bee Gees
KNOCKING
Who stops a party before midnight? She even searched my mates.
She doesn't half worry.
She's not like you two. You're chilled. Dead reasonable.
< Proper parents.
Best film ever made.
The only place you could get privacy then was the pictures.
And baby-sitting. >
That couple we used to sit for down your road...
Complete tit-heads.
- And their son. - Nice lad.
Nice?! Little shit wouldn't go to bed.
That's kids for ya.
Kept interrupting. Insisted on sitting between us.
Didn't you have to pay him off?
Thanks. Enjoy the rest of your night.
Where were we, Tone?
THEY CHUCKLE
BABY CRIES
'I can't take your call, leave a message and I'll call you back.'
< Fucking Jamie!
We're in so much shit.
We?!
You supplied it. It's manslaughter!
You gave it to him.
They'll want to know where I got it.
We worked our arses off for this place. He can't go back down.
And what about me? I can't leave Katie.
Your mam's, to start with.
You know, Jamie'd take the rap for it, though, wouldn't he?
We've gotta move him.
TAPE RIPS
Careful!
Over here.
Ohh...
What are you doing? Get up!
I can't.
Come on. After three. One...
SNORING
What's that? >
He's dead to the world.
Quick, come on.
Hide!
# Sonny, the summer's gone
# And all the leaves are falling
# 'Tis you will stay...
# 'Tis you must go and I will stay... #
THEY LAUGH
Sorry, babe.
His fault. He said, one more pint.
Ohhh, he's full of shit!
What?
Her mugshot's all over that website.
Billy? Get rid of the Es. All of them!
We'll have to delete the e-mails.
He'll have copies! ...Jim? Yeah.
Snide batch. Offload 'em.
- Where's the rug? - I put it in the yard.
Go and get rid of it!
Jesus!
You'll have to scrub the whole pub down.
Been looking for you, mate.
- Don't touch it! - Let me help ya.
- Leave it! - I can manage.
I said leave it! It's not worth it.
Is there summat wrong?
Does it look like there's something wrong?
You need to get out more, mate.
Limo party on Sunday, if you're up for it.
PHONE RINGS
Ohhh... This better be good.
All right, darling, won't be a minute.
Morning!
Have you got your purse handy?
Hiya, love. Do you fancy some breakfast?
Our Jamie's been on.
Bin them. Contaminated, apparently.
You're gonna regret this.
It's probably been six years since it were cleaned under there,
so I wanna see some effort. Sweat, if necessary.
Morning, Mrs Thompson.
How you doing, love? Are you all right?
Good to see you. Give us a shout if you need 'owt, OK?
It's commerce, Shane, not Help the fuckin' Aged.
I bet she buys more.
What?
Well, who comes to the till with one thing in a basket?
It's human nature, Yvonne.
No-one wants to look like a tight cunt.
State of that! You'll have to start again.
- It's a jumble-sale effect. - What?!
Shoppers are drawn to it. Especially bargain-hunters.
Oh, aye?
Yeah. It's instinctive.
People wanna grab. They don't wanna mess up summat that's neat and tidy.
People will fill a trolleyload with this lot.
- Yeah... - It's another form of OCD.
It's like we all get little bits of it.
I can't have a shit unless me bath mat's at a right angle.
Wines and beers.
All along there. Make it look like a right fucking tip.
You're good.
SIGHS
Arse-licker.
Really good.
Here we go.
Burn. Burn.
Burn.
Burn. Wash.
I bought you that.
Teach you to stick your nose in next time you think someone's desperate.
Didn't think you was desperate, Mandy.
Jamie...
Hey! This better not be one of them job-share thingummy-gigs.
Don't worry, it's temporary. You're safe.
It's an absolute disgrace, this country.
That's news(!)
Have you heard? They found a body.
Gunned down in cold blood, poor mite.
I blame the parents.
Chill out, it's not him! There's no point in going under.
I know, I'm trying!
People will notice!
They'll come here looking first.
So what if they do?
He left drunk.
He fell in a ditch.
I don't wanna lose you.
Hey...
You won't.
You gotta keep it together for Mandy.
RETCHING
- Idea... - Go on.
Stay open later.
I've got kids, Shane - undies to wash, bogs to clean.
I'll do it. Nick late trade off the garage.
With Christmas puddings?
Perfect for the munchies.
Let me.
You go get yourself some dinner, if you're gonna be staying late.
She's fucking mint, she is!
Hey!
What's that programme on the telly?
How Clean Is Your Pub!
I can't do this.
You can.
Look at me.
I'll go to the police. I'll tell them it was me. It was an accident.
They'll know you couldn't have dumped him alone.
I won't mention you.
They won't just leave it at that.
They'll drag me in. I haven't even got an alibi.
- Just think of Katie. - I can't stop thinking about Katie.
< (Frank) Soften the blow of the shame
of having it off with scabby Cilla. I was only 12.
She had curly teeth and four grey hairs on her melanoma,
but after 12 pints of this stuff, no fucking way did I notice.
Happy fucking days.
I'll get you another.
On the house, mate.
(I've got an idea.)
And that was the last time I saw him.
He'd just been blown out. Poor lad.
It was...
You can't blame him for seeking solace
in the company of an ageing Lothario.
C'est moi. Cheers.
So I offered him a pint...
Good.
Oh, yeah, nice lad, if a tad naive.
He asked my advice on the perils of the first date.
"Start as you mean to go on, son," I said.
"Only an imbecile would tell a bird to stop talking,
"but to tell her that her gob is a work of art
"while it is kept firmly shut are the words of a genius."
Oh, then we left.
FRANK WHINES
Together.
- Then what? - We went to the chippy.
Lent him a fiver.
We had chips.
He had gravy.
And then I walked him to the bus stop and that was the last time I saw him.
Come here!
Again?
Work? For her?
I hope it's not performance-related.
She likes what I'm doing.
She likes... me,
I think.
Yeah. And, actually, I quite like her.
Well, if you tidy yourself up a bit, you might be in with a chance.
Yeah?
You have got a better barnet than that Stan, for a start.
They do like a good head of hair, them lot.
WHISTLE BLOWS
WHISTLE, LOUD MUSIC
What the?
WHISTLE
See you, love.
Got any doilies?
Doing a bit of a PR on Sunday.
Fancy it?
Where the hell d'you get it?!
Sorry... I'll pay.
Promise.
Keep him occupied.
Shall we put the TV on?
Plenty of fluids.
Right.
Fucking love you, Mimi.
I love you, too.
What's up with him?
A bad E.
Here you go, son.
That's it.
Fucking love you, too.
And I love you too, son.
I wish I was your son.
KNOCK AT DOOR Chesney?! >
Shit!
KNOCK AT DOOR
Chesney, are you in there? >
Hide him!
Where?
Take him for a drive or something.
Quick.
He's gone out with Paddy.
Paddy?
Nothing to do with me if they just bonded. Kids need a father figure.
Depends who the father figure is.
Meaning?
He'll get bored.
Get your hands off me nuts!
Come to me party if you want, though, kid. Have as many as you want then.
I fucking love you, Mickey.
I'm sorry, I've lost my appetite.
At least punters pay if they puke in the limo!
You look after him. I'm gonna clean meself up.
It's all my fault.
Throwing up's a good thing.
I'd never forgive meself if anything happened to him.
It's Shane! >
How did it go, then?
Fancy a beer?
Come and park your arse.
Fittest man on the planet!
Oh!
Not afraid to show his feelings, either.
That's a real man.
I'd love to dance with him.
You need to eat something.
It's not your fault, you know?
There's so much he said he wanted to do.
What about you?
But he's dead.
You'd be as good as dead, banged up for the next 20 years.
D'you know what I always wanted to do?
What?
Learn to play the guitar.
Piano, definitely.
See the pyramids.
Empire State Building.
I thought my luck had changed.
I really liked him, lan.
Are you sure?
Might be the last one I have.
- Gonna hand meself in. - Why?
We've got a witness.
Call that an alibi?
Can I buy you a drink, Frank?
Christ, does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?
You're being ridiculous.
Leave her alone, she's got her own mind!
Pints, Karen. Couple of Es.
Your health.
My health. My God.
Just think about it before you do anything rash.
Have done.
Nowt else I can do.
Chesney?
He's woken up!
Hiya, love!
Will he be all right?
He's awake, it's a start.
How are you, son? Do you think he wants anything?
D'you want anything, Chesney?
Shit! Prolapse!
The chances of two people snuffing it would be tiny, love.
Chesney?
Hey!
Are you with us, son?
Is there anything that you want, love?
Any chance of a double cheeseburger and chips?
KNOCKING
If you get this lot cleared away by tea-time, you can start on them fags.
Then I might let you go home early.
Yvonne...
What the fuck do you think you look like dressed like that?
My mum will do her tea.
Not fish fingers, though, she hates them.
- And she'll need a bath. - You don't have to do this.
Tell Mum no bubbles. She's still got that rash
on the back of her leg, bless her.
Dex?
Have I walked into the wrong party or what?
A ditch?
Round the corner from mine.
- It must've felt like shit. - These dead?
Sometimes when I have an E, it wipes me out.
So why do you take 'em?
I don't normally.
We were getting on so well.
I didn't want to spoil the night.
So what do you remember?
Just bits.
Remember going upstairs?
That's why I'm here now.
What time did I leave?
Can't remember. I was pretty messed up too.
Were you angry?
That I wasn't there when you woke up?
It did seem a bit out of order.
So can we...
Can we go out again?
Think you can handle it?
I want you up front with me. You can start on this.
That stuff's good but it needs elbow grease, so put your back into it.
I don't want to have to dock your wages.
Why me?
Shall I do us a brew?
Brilliant.
He's only doing this to get in your knickers.
- What?! - Serious. Look at him.
Do you fancy a biccie?
Owt planned for tonight?
- Not much. - Fancy coming round to mine?
Yeah.
Ever had a threesome? Me, you and Stan.
He's very open-minded.
Put the closed sign up, Hasselhoff.
What's your policy on early retirement?
Shame about that, he were good.
It would've only ended in tears.
Nice move.
Don't you get any ideas.
All right. Thanks.
That was our Jamie.
Snide Es, my arse.
The corpse is alive and well. And buying our Mandy a drink.
See you soon, lad.
I loved it at yours. You and Paddy are top.
Oi! In!
Here she comes, back to smother yer.
Wrapping them in cotton wool won't teach them.
The Art of Parenting by Mimi Maguire? Rush out and buy it,
you might just fuck up your kids.
My kids aren't fucked up! You wanna take a look at yourself
before you start on me. It's a struggle for you, isn't it(!)
You try bringing up two kids in a place like this.
His first words were, "What's a Paki?" because of likes of you!
Hang on...!
He was beaten up four times the week he started school!
Meena was expelled from three schools for starting fights
before they came to batter her!
You think I don't know about that shit?
One, I'd never say "Paki".
Two, Paddy got lifted that many times by the coppers
in the first five years after stepping off that boat,
everyone assumed he was a pub bomber.
She looked after me, Mum.
- He was ill. - III?
But she fixed me.
Are you OK now?
Thanks for looking after him.
Do you fancy a drink?
Later. Bring Paddy over.
Might.
Think about it.
Same again?
Great.
Hey, Mandy. Is that that dead cunt?
Village idiot.
Frank Gallagher!
You owe me a fiver.
Do I?
Yeah. The other night, remember?
We left here. You and me.
I lent you a fiver.
We had chips.
You had gravy!
I hate gravy.
Must've been shit-faced.
You can say that again! Eh? Lazarus.
Ah! Come to Papa.
Mandy. Word of advice.
Our conscience is that internal voice that screams...
(Just act like nothing's happened.)
...that some fucker might just be watching our every move.
Not so dead to the world after all, eh?
What's he on about?
Nothing. He's just a piss-head.
Come on.
Something's going on here.
In't it?
You can tell me.
We thought you were dead.
So we rolled you up in a rug and dumped you in a ditch.
Sorry.
I didn't think we had any choice. I was confused.
At what point did it seem like a good idea to fucking dump me?
I'm sorry.
Don't be angry with me.
You don't get it.
Can't we just start again? Put it all behind us?
We were having fun.
It's just too weird. Sorry.
Tell you what.
Maybe I'll give you a call some time.
If he can't take a joke, better off without him.
'Ey, Mickey. A guest.
Come in! Sit down.
Grab a vol-au-vent.
Nice carpet.
Help yourself.
Hiya.
Few beers.
(Mandy) 'It's harder for us. Everybody needs somebody.
'Just got to get on with it.
'Be resourceful. Makes us twice as capable.
'Got to find an upside somewhere.'
Hi.
He's cute.
Takes after his dad.
Been thinking. Could be mates.
(Mandy) 'So what if it's complicated?
'What's the other option? Sit on your own all your life?
'Give up altogether?
'No chance.'
# You should be dancing, yeah
# Dancing, yeah
# She's juicy and she's trouble
# She gets it to me good
# My woman gives me power
# Goes right down to my blood
# What you doin' on your back?
# Ah
# What you doin' on your back?
# Oh
# You should be dancing, yeah
# Dancing, yeah
# What you doin' on your back?
# Ah
# What you doin' on your back?
# Ah
# You should be dancing, yeah... #